So, you’re a Gherkin Addict. Follow our simple 10
point plan for a guaranteed cure within 24 hours, or your money back, and a
life free from Gherkins.
If you are having doubts about the effectiveness of our rehabilitation program, just look at the dramatic change in Terry from Worksop. The ‘Before’ picture shows Terry when he first contacted the ihategherkins crew during the height of his addiction. The ‘After’ picture shows Terry, completely cured, just 24 hours later. Impressive or what.
1. As with any addiction, accepting that you have a problem is the first step along the shaky road to recovery. Simply by clicking on the link to this page you have already acknowledged that you need help. Congratulations.
2. If you can, find yourself a friend to help you through the next 24 hours. Ideally you want someone that has already gone through the rehab process. If you don’t personally know anyone that has gone through our rehab program – don’t panic, we’ll help you find one. Rehabs are easy to spot; they all work as Richard Gere look-alikes. They are more common than you might think. Failing that, just ask your mum.
3.The first next step is to wander down to your local well known burger restaurant during the Saturday lunchtime rush and proclaim to all, by standing on a chair and shouting out as loud as possible the following statement - My name is _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ and I am addicted to gherkins.
( Please do not substitute your real name for your Veggie generated name) Then go on to tell them your horrific experiences as a gherkin addict. This will have a number of positive outcomes.
· It will give you an instant high, similar to that experienced when you’re stoned on gherkins, proving that you can feel good without the prickly green buggers.
· You will most probably get thrown out of the restaurant and have a 24 hour ban imposed. Perfect.
· It sends the ultimate message of defiance to the burger chain that is the root cause of your addiction. Up yours burger chain!
Don’t feel embarrassed when everyone laughs at you, they will probably be in your position in a few months time.
This is a real progress towards your eventual rehabilitation - leave the restaurant without buying a Big Mac and feel proud.
4. Lock yourself in the house for 24 hours. The withdrawal symptoms begin within the first hour from when you last consumed a gherkin. It’s nothing to be afraid of, just the natural way in which your body begins to cleanse itself. First it’s the violent shaking followed by the non-stop farting. You need to be aware of the safety of your friend at this stage as the smell is quite repulsive. We recommend a set of nose clips at the very least. Four or five hours later you should start to feel a bit better but you will experience an incredible urge to consume just one more gherkin.
5. Gherkin patches. Patented by ihategherkins.com these patches act as a crave suppressor. Get your friend to prepare one patch for each remaining hour of your 24 hour rehab. Prepare patches by removing slices with a potato peeler from a well proportioned gherkin ( Do not use cocktail gherkins, they are not up to the task) – you should get at least 6 from each gherkin. Apply the patches randomly over your chest, stomach and back – no adhesive is required.
Do not under any circumstances assist in the preparation of the patches, the
temptation may be too great. Prepare a dog collar, you know, the sort your dog
wears after having had his nuggets removed by the vet, prevents them licking
the wound apparently. In this instance the collar needs to be large enough to
stop you removing a gherkin patch and passing it to your mouth. About 5 feet
across should do the trick.
Get your friend to remove one patch each hour, starting from the chest/stomach area. Leave the patches on the back until last. These are more difficult to reach and mean that the dog collar can be removed while they are still in place. It stops you bumping into things.
6. Log on to ihategherkins.com, set it as your home page and surf the entire site. This is a great way to relax and laugh at rather than eat gherkins.
7. Feeling Hungry. Check out the ‘How To Guide’ and prepare yourself a plate of Chocolate Covered Gherkins Drizzled in Marmite sauce. It tastes absolutely disgusting and virtually guarantees that another gherkin will never pass between your lips.
8. Do not be tempted to make love to your friend – be they male or female. Making love provokes an inner desire to eat a gherkin in much the same way as a smoker craves a cigarette after the dirty deed.
9. Ensure that you do not have access to a vehicle. Most patients really begin to suffer at this stage and will stop at nothing to get a gherkin. We can no longer accept responsibility for our patients using cars to ram-raid green grocer’s shops in search of gherkins.
10. That’s it – you’re cured. Go in search of work as a Richard Gere look-alike and always try to remember that we are a voluntary service and need to raise funds if we are to continue helping others. All donations gratefully received.
Dr. Stewer of Cabbage.
If you are having doubts about the effectiveness of our rehabilitation program, just look at the dramatic change in Terry from Worksop. The ‘Before’ picture shows Terry when he first contacted the ihategherkins crew during the height of his addiction. The ‘After’ picture shows Terry, completely cured, just 24 hours later. Impressive or what.
 |
 |
| Before | After |
1. As with any addiction, accepting that you have a problem is the first step along the shaky road to recovery. Simply by clicking on the link to this page you have already acknowledged that you need help. Congratulations.
2. If you can, find yourself a friend to help you through the next 24 hours. Ideally you want someone that has already gone through the rehab process. If you don’t personally know anyone that has gone through our rehab program – don’t panic, we’ll help you find one. Rehabs are easy to spot; they all work as Richard Gere look-alikes. They are more common than you might think. Failing that, just ask your mum.
3.The first next step is to wander down to your local well known burger restaurant during the Saturday lunchtime rush and proclaim to all, by standing on a chair and shouting out as loud as possible the following statement - My name is _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ and I am addicted to gherkins.
( Please do not substitute your real name for your Veggie generated name) Then go on to tell them your horrific experiences as a gherkin addict. This will have a number of positive outcomes.
· It will give you an instant high, similar to that experienced when you’re stoned on gherkins, proving that you can feel good without the prickly green buggers.
· You will most probably get thrown out of the restaurant and have a 24 hour ban imposed. Perfect.
· It sends the ultimate message of defiance to the burger chain that is the root cause of your addiction. Up yours burger chain!
Don’t feel embarrassed when everyone laughs at you, they will probably be in your position in a few months time.
This is a real progress towards your eventual rehabilitation - leave the restaurant without buying a Big Mac and feel proud.
4. Lock yourself in the house for 24 hours. The withdrawal symptoms begin within the first hour from when you last consumed a gherkin. It’s nothing to be afraid of, just the natural way in which your body begins to cleanse itself. First it’s the violent shaking followed by the non-stop farting. You need to be aware of the safety of your friend at this stage as the smell is quite repulsive. We recommend a set of nose clips at the very least. Four or five hours later you should start to feel a bit better but you will experience an incredible urge to consume just one more gherkin.
5. Gherkin patches. Patented by ihategherkins.com these patches act as a crave suppressor. Get your friend to prepare one patch for each remaining hour of your 24 hour rehab. Prepare patches by removing slices with a potato peeler from a well proportioned gherkin ( Do not use cocktail gherkins, they are not up to the task) – you should get at least 6 from each gherkin. Apply the patches randomly over your chest, stomach and back – no adhesive is required.
 |
 |
Get your friend to remove one patch each hour, starting from the chest/stomach area. Leave the patches on the back until last. These are more difficult to reach and mean that the dog collar can be removed while they are still in place. It stops you bumping into things.
6. Log on to ihategherkins.com, set it as your home page and surf the entire site. This is a great way to relax and laugh at rather than eat gherkins.
7. Feeling Hungry. Check out the ‘How To Guide’ and prepare yourself a plate of Chocolate Covered Gherkins Drizzled in Marmite sauce. It tastes absolutely disgusting and virtually guarantees that another gherkin will never pass between your lips.
8. Do not be tempted to make love to your friend – be they male or female. Making love provokes an inner desire to eat a gherkin in much the same way as a smoker craves a cigarette after the dirty deed.
9. Ensure that you do not have access to a vehicle. Most patients really begin to suffer at this stage and will stop at nothing to get a gherkin. We can no longer accept responsibility for our patients using cars to ram-raid green grocer’s shops in search of gherkins.
10. That’s it – you’re cured. Go in search of work as a Richard Gere look-alike and always try to remember that we are a voluntary service and need to raise funds if we are to continue helping others. All donations gratefully received.
Dr. Stewer of Cabbage.
Page Last Updated: 26/03/2008 23:55:52